Лингвофорум

A Modern Linguistician
by Frederic G. Cassidy
I am the very model of a Modern Linguistician
An out-and-out Descriptivist, an Anti-historician;
I like to catch a language in an attitude synchronic:
The fact that that's impossible I only find ironic.
I have the utmost passion for the sport terminological,
my urge to name another "-eme" is more than biological.
I yearn to count the phoneme as some people count their riches,
I count it forward, count it back, till I don't know which which is;
I put it all in formulas-with x and y I'm prodigal
Because it all contributes to my purity methodigal.
Indeed in all the wisdoms of the scholar and technician
I am the very model of a Modern Linguistician.

I am the very model of a Modern Linguistician.
Just furnish me a nucleus and I'll perform a fission.
I like to cut a segment from a living speech-continuum
And write it up so no-one knows it's only my opinuum.
To starkest objectivity I have a moral leaning,
For what I do is meaningful though I've no use for meaning.
I'm scientist and artist too - my constructs are symmetrical,
Though what I do with languages may seem to some obstetrical.
I look upon the petty world from point of view Olympian
And think of other trades than mine as altogether shrimpian.
Indeed from every angle I'm the scholarly Patrician,
For I'm the very model of a Modern Linguistician.

I am the very model of a Modern Linguistician -
I'm dedicated to my work - I'm conscious of a mission.
All language teachers hitherto have lacked my fine perception.
They think that they are scientists? The rankest self-deception!
For methods quite traditional they show a vile proclivity
Receiving my discoveries with bland insensitivity.
Sometimes they fail to comprehend the point of my experiment
And leave me laughing to myself in undisguised merriment.
But now I've shown 'em how the phone and how the morph are captured,
It must be through opacity that they are unenraptured.
They're all completely baffled by my lucid exposition,
For I'm the very model of a Modern Linguistician.

I am the model of a Modern Linguistician -
A sort of combination of the Seer and the Magician,
I'm simply indefatigable - never never we-o-ry
Of building up a theory on the theory of a the-o-ry.
I strive to find the unity that lies behind dichotomy
In lingoes esoteric such as Cree and Potawatomi
I love to make a postulate of no substantiality
And rush it into print before it loses topicality.
When I must change my point of view I always do it haughtily
And beat the opposition down in publications quartily.
In fact, in all the universe and all of man's condition
I am the very model of a Modern Linguistician.