Попытка перевода Пушкина

[zwh]

Вот, лет 15 назад баловался я немного. Посмотрев сейчас свежим взглядом, виду, что рифмовал  тогда я длинные гласные с краткими, а глухие согласные со звонкими, что не есть правильно, конечно. С другой стороны, носительница тогда одобрила...


THE HORSE

(Out of Songs of the Western Slavs)

"Why d'you neigh, my ardent horse?
And why have you hung your head?
You don't shake your mane, and worse --
you don't eat your daily bread!
Don't I tend you well enough?
Don't you feel my care and love?
What about your silver shoes?
Isn't your harness made of silk?
Aren't your reins too of that ilk?
Are your stirrups splashed with ooze?"

The sad horse replies on this,
"I'm today so meek and shy
for I hear sharp arrows hiss,
hooves are trampling, women cry.
And I neigh because I know
that my time to stroll in field,
oh my master, must be over
with an unexpected tilt.
Very soon the cruel foe
will take off my reins and bit
and my silver shoes he'll throw
in his sack without a heed.
That is why my spirit blusters:
for, instead of my saddle rag,
with your skin he'll cover, master,
my sore-rubbed and sweaty back."


Обсуждение с носительницей:

AH: Finally, thank you for sending the rhymed translation of the Ardent Horse poem. I must say that I think I enjoyed the pure verbatim translation a bit more;

me: Really? Strange (I'd like to put down a smiley of shoulder shrugging but don't know how to do this.)

AH: however, there is one exception. The last four lines in this version give me a whole new meaning:
   That is why my spirit blusters:
   for, instead of my saddle rag,
   with your skin he'll cover, master,
   my sore-rubbed and sweaty back.
I don't think I got the idea that the horse's back would be covered with the corpse of his master from the last version.

me: Not "corpse" but "skin" -- taken off his body

AH: If that is the appropriate meaning, perhaps we should look at those lines again and see where my problem is. It is a most profound statement, and I would not like to have it missed by any other readers. However, it may just be that I didn't read closely. I will await your "new" versions for a final perusal.

me: Maybe you'll simply re-read these lines and everything will be OK? I hope on this with all my heart.

[TestamentumTartarum]

О, я как раз занят поиском переводов английских произведений на татарский