The texts in British English that Americans won't understand on whole or partial

[Rusiok]

No regional slang or dialect:

On starting primary school all pupils must bring ruler, HB & 2H Pencils and a rubber.
When I sat on my bum having a fag I just about wet my pants watching a lass trying to fit five or six guineas worth of coppers into her purse.
A trio of the Old Bill returned an AWOL tar who had jumped ship.
I nearly fell for the headline till I noted the date was 01/04.
She used to be a clippy for a bit.
Chips for Tea after we knock off?
Just put your trunk in the boot!
They had the pavement up due to a gas leak.
On 21/4/26 will Liz be sending herself a telegram?
The old banger has gone for a Burton, I had to get shot of her when she failed the MOT!
For a big man he was a lightweight, being pissed after a couple of ciders!

[Rusiok]

This is a well known piece - The rules of cricket as explained to a foreigner.

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in.
Each man that's in the side that's in the field goes out and when he's out comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in.
When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
Sometimes there are men still in and not out.
There are men called umpires who stay out all the time, and they decide when the men who are in are out.
Depending on the weather and the light, the umpires can also send everybody in, no matter whether they're in or out.
When both sides have been in and all the men are out (including those who are not out), then the game is finished.