Please correct my mistakes in business letter!

[Yildiz!]

Hi!
This is a test letter
I've done the translation but I really need your help

english speakers please look through this text and if you find mistakes let me know..
this is very important for me
Thank you


UEFA Stadium Construction committee
To: Mr. John Ericson   
From: Football club "Shahter" (Donetsk)
The registration number and date: №490, August the 3rd, 2006.
Topic: Invitation to a presentation






Dear Mr. Ericson!


As you already know, that Football Club "Shahter"(Donetsk) is about to build new 5 stars stadium, which meets all official UEFA requirements and has no analogue in Ukraine. Recently the new tender realization process has been completed and we are glad to present to you the General contractor.

In connection with the foregoing, we would like to invite one of the UEFA Stadium Construction committee members to the presentation of General project contractor of FC "Shahter", which will take place in the hotel «Donbass Palace» at 13:00 p.m., June 26, 2006.


FC «Shahter» takes upon itself all the travel expenses including transfer, meals, and accommodation.



Thank you in advance.
Looking forward to your reply.





Sincerely,

Andrey Torunov
The Director of Sales, Marketing and Communications department
FC «Shahter» (Donetsk)

[Смайлик]

Вот несколько предложений.  Красным выделено то, что нужно заменить словами в квадратных скобках. 

UEFA Stadium Construction committee [Committee]
To: Mr. John Ericson   
From: Football club "Shahter" (Donetsk)
The [артикль тут не нужен] registration number and date: №490, August the 3rd [August 3], 2006.
Topic: Invitation to a presentation




Dear Mr. Ericson! [По американским правилам: если вы знакомы с человеком - ставите запятую; если нет - ставите двоеточие]

As you already know, that [the] Football Club "Shahter"(Donetsk) is about to build new 5 stars [five-star] stadium which meets [will meet] all official UEFA requirements and has no analogue [be unparalleled] in Ukraine. Recently [вставил после "has"] The new tender realization [tender-realization] process has [recently] been completed and we are glad to present to you the General [general] contractor.

In connection with the foregoing, we would like to invite one of the UEFA Stadium Construction committee [Committee] members to the presentation of General [the general] project contractor of FC "Shahter", which will take place in the hotel «Donbass Palace» at 13:00 p.m. [не нужно], June 26, 2006.

FC «Shahter» takes upon itself all the travel expenses including transfer, meals, and accommodation.

Thank you in advance.
Looking forward to your reply. [Thank you and I am looking forward to your reply.]

Sincerely,


Andrey Torunov
The Director of Sales, Marketing and Communications department
FC «Shahter» (Donetsk)

[Radley]

And change the signature The Director of Sales, Marketing and Communications department to Sales Director, Marketing and Communications Department.
Also, the football club in subject is internationally known as ShakhtAr. Perhaps you should use that spelling or Shakhtyor.

[Vertaler]

Oh my God, i hate this "yo". It's one whole letter, 'ë', and it it just an E with an umlaut. It's quite ugly to write it as "yo" in English. Write just "Shakhter". 

[Смайлик]

Radley makes a good point, if there is an internationally-accepted way to transliterate the name of the team it should be used.  And since the team is Ukrainian, "Shakhtar" would probably be correct.   

[Vertaler]

Yes. But if you however do it from Russian, then — no "yo".

[Смайлик]

True.  The "Shakhtar vs. Shakhtyor" issue is the same one as "Kiev vs. Kyiv" or "L'vov vs. L'viv" and so forth. 

[Radley]

he "Shakhtar vs. Shakhtyor" issue is the same one as "Kiev vs. Kyiv"

No it's not.
'Shakhter' does not reflect the Russian or the Ukrainian pronunciation of the word. There is no such football team in Ukraine as 'Shakhter'.
And if someone wants to hate something, well, that's his personal problem.

[Radley]

Unless of course you want to argue that there is no need to phonetically transliterate Ukrainian/Russian names. But that would defeat the whole objective of transliteration, wouldn't it?

[Pere]

Shakhter' does not reflect the Russian or the Ukrainian pronunciation of the word.

Neither do Shakhtyor nor Shakhtar, in case we mean to make native English speakers say or hear the name in question like we do. Just ask an American to pronounce any of those, you'll see

So the dispute sounds sorts of puristic to me.

All said, anyhow let me vote for 'Shakhtar'.

[Yildiz!]

Thanx everybody

[Vertaler]

Unless of course you want to argue that there is no need to phonetically transliterate Ukrainian/Russian names. But that would defeat the whole objective of transliteration, wouldn't it?

Why?

However, I don't like to dispute anything. That's why I rarely write in this forum. That was just my opinion, and let it be so. It can be easily explained with linguistical arguments, so it has the right to existence.

[Смайлик]

he "Shakhtar vs. Shakhtyor" issue is the same one as "Kiev vs. Kyiv"

No it's not.
'Shakhter' does not reflect the Russian or the Ukrainian pronunciation of the word. There is no such football team in Ukraine as 'Shakhter'.
And if someone wants to hate something, well, that's his personal problem.

That's why I said "Shakhtar vs. Shakhtyor issue" not "Shakhtar vs. Shakhter". 

[Radley]

"Shakhtar vs. Shakhtyor issue" not "Shakhtar vs. Shakhter"

Ooops, sorry, I misread, my fault

[Radley]

It can be easily explained with linguistical arguments, so it has the right to existence

You can explain whatever you wish in your 'linguistical arguments' (or in any scientific 'arguments', for that matter). It still will not change the fact that 'Shakhter' is farther from the original - Russian or Ukrainian - than 'Shakhtar' or 'Shakhtyor'. 'Linguistical arguments' cannot substitute common sense, for god's sake.

Neither do Shakhtyor nor Shakhtar, in case we mean to make native English speakers say or hear the name in question like we do. Just ask an American to pronounce any of those, you'll see 

I've got a few native English speakers nearby who can pull off a pretty decent pronunciation of either.  They've lived in Ukraine for several years already, though. For an unprepared one, of course, it will be a torture 

[Pere]

I've got a few native English speakers nearby who can pull off a pretty decent pronunciation of either.  They've lived in Ukraine for several years already, though.

Might be of interest to ask them to try and spell the damned word as they'd deem it right. That'd definitely settle the argument

[Radley]

Well, I actually went and asked one of them
The Russian he would spell as 'Shaktor', the Ukrainian as 'Shaktar'.
I said well how about the 'h' after the 'k'. He said it wouldn't make much difference pronunciation-wise
I'd still leave the 'h' in there, though

[Pere]

Well, this makes perfect sense, I guess. kht and kt should sound quite similarly to their ears. The same goes for the pair or-yor. So let's say, if we spell the Ukrainian name let it be Shakhtar and the Russian one makes it into Shakhtor.