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[dagege]

The Same

Now I think I can change my life here,
Had I told you for thousand times?
I feel myself some kinda different,
But It's the same, and still it's life.

Another fingers will never touch you
All my days are the same and bore
I killed my friends and I said them: "fuck you",
So I cannot see them anymore.

Foolish days are everyday,
Foolish choices to choose the one,
Foolish gatherings - it's not your blame,
I feel the same, but I won't fall down.
Breaking rules and changing times,
It's not mistakes that I have made,
I found the reasons and many bounds,
But still I'm here, it's all the same.

I believe I'll wake up next morning
Just to meet not-the-same-new dawn,
Other girlfriend and other people,
That I'd never, never found.

Stop to lie and open your eyes,
Had I told you for thousand times?
Look at window and see the new sun,
It's not the same, but still it's life.

Foolish days are everyday,
Foolish choices to choose the one,
Foolish gatherings - it's not your blame,
I feel the same, but I won't fall down.
Breaking rules and changing times,
It's not mistakes that I have made,
I found the reasons and many bounds,
But still I'm here, and it's not the same.

Now I think I have changed my life here,
I've been accustomed to make to see,
All these times I always told you,
I told, but you never heard me.
I open door and I'm gonna to work now,
They won't stop me and they won't let.
I think I'll kill the other persons,
If they don't know now I'm not like that (them).

Dirty days are everyday
Always tell me - you're the one
Look to find all you've lost yesterday
Cure all wounds except one wound.
Broken rules and changed times
And my mistakes to repair is too difficult
I know the reason, I don't need these bounds
'Coz I feel myself so much different.
_______________________________________
Из другого сборничка. Рифма намеренно изменена.
***
Dead Whispers

Open your eyes if afraid of your dream,
Stoping trembling, holding get-away scream,
If you can describe all the things you have seen.

You can hear my voice, but now I'm not with you,
Rains of Lost Souls always flow away, who..
...can now describe all the things you have heard?

Coldness comes in my dead thing, but I cannot feel it
What have you heard now and what have you seen?

Forget all this dreams,
And forget all dead whispers.
Before the second to death
You're eyes stop its trembling
I feel you're coming, 'coz I always see it.



***
What If?

What if something like me could meet something like,
If dead whispers shut down,
And you're coming to me?

What if ghost of you can't remember my sight,
When I'm lying without you meeting Lady the Night?

What if water gets dark (темнеет)
And I see your reflection,
You break down connection,
Saying I should wake up,
Saying I should wake up!


***
I Kiss your Sun

It's agony, being in darkness (или: to be in darkness)
I'm falling down, like your ghost.
You meet me kissing the sun,
Smiling as always
Burning my eyes, and now you can't be found.

Скажите, какие места по вашему коряво звучат по-английски, всё ли в поряде с артиклями (где не в поряде)? И проч. Заранее thnks.

[Aleksey]

You ought to change your tenses, sometimes it's illogical, for e.g. - "Had I told you for thousand times?" - I think it should be Have I... because present perfect in this situation shows rhetorical question of result (answer should not be seen - rhetorical q.) and there are exaggerational words, "I feel myself some kinda different,.." - some is too much for this phrase.
If I were you I'd try to look it through myself again.
(I'm too lazy to use cyrillic, English for the win)

[dagege]

how about articles?

[dagege]

还有：
..."I feel myself some kinda different,.." - some is too much for this phrase...

It means that when I use "some", it's wrong, or it's possible to use (coz if I will delet "some" I will loose rythm)?

[dagege]

But can I say: "I feel myself so kinda different" instead of "I feel myself some kinda different"?

[Aleksey]

Prose is easier to edit, poetic texts are too hard for me for now
it's an exaggeration of your ideas/thoughts, either you stick to "i fell myself so different" or "kinda", 'kinda' is ~50/50, 'so' is 100%;

Another fingers will never touch you
All my days are the same and bore
I killed my friends and I said them: "fuck you",
So I cannot see them anymore.

Another - other; all my days - my days are all the same/are same and boring; I've killed my friends and said to them: "Fuck you" (better this one..); there can't be two negations in one sentence.

Foolish days are everyday,
Foolish choices to choose the one,
Foolish gatherings - it's not your blame,
I feel the same, but I won't fall down.
Breaking rules and changing times,
It's not mistakes that I have made,
I found the reasons and many bounds,
But still I'm here, it's all the same.

It doesn't sound right to me :O foolish is overused and the meaning of the stanza is blurry and can't be linked to 1st stanza.

You ought to use Thesaurus more..
Overall I think that these texts (far from poetic..) are rather ugly, modernism in literature can be very stupid :p

[dagege]

Aleksey, This poetic text (let it be said like that) was ispired after watching "Wanted" movie, so I can't see here any "blurry" meaning.

[Aleksey]

Нет плавности мысли, переход идей сложновато соединить.. Лично я попытался б написать что-нибудь по-короче - скелет идей, после, развить их в более высоком поэтическом стиле.. ну и с правильным использованием грамматики. Муза - фильм, не самая лучшая комбинация для поэзии.. Но это личное моё мнение..

[dagege]

Aleksey, Муза - не фильм. Муза - идея фильма. Сие есть не одинаково.

[Aleksey]

Был бы фЫльм классическим - отлично, теперешние фЫльмы - šudas..  может 0,00001% из них нормальные

[dagege]

Для меня "классический" ни о чём не говорит. Бывает классическое, а муть ещё та. Для меня важна идея, даже не в "классическом".

[dagege]

Что такое šudas?

[Aleksey]

гавно по-литовски, классика есть классика Уважаемый, сейчас всё попсовое..

[Алексей Гринь]

гавно по-литовски

Спасибо, запомнил.